Talked to my granny on the phone today. I got my wisdom teeth removed on monday, my face is swollen, hurts a bit and of course- i cant eat solid stuff. The first reaction from my grandmother is to pity me and then she says: “But a good thing- you maybe lose some weight.”
I inhaled and said nothing.
My family is constantly fat shaming me, giving me diet advice and telling me that i REALLY should start to look for my weight before it is too late. Too late for WHAT? I have a UK size 14-16. I describe myself as fat, i reclaim that word as an empowerment, even though i know that there are many more (and bigger) sizes- and they are all valid.
When im skinny, i feel shitty. I had a major breakdown, causing me not to eat anything, i am lovesick or someone died. or im completely stressed.
So being skinny = being miserable.
If I am this size I am now -or god forbid even more- i feel emotionally more stable and dont feel that miserable (even though society tries really hard to make me miserable because of my weight).
My grandmother was the first person who put into my mind that i am not skinny enough. At age 12 we were in holidays and she told me that there must be space between my thighs (thighgap anyone?), or i am not skinny. I have pictures from that time. i am fucking tiny. i thought- oh wow that means i am fat. Well done. Later on, when I actually gained weight, i was always commented, either i lost something- goood or i didnt- baaaad. or i gained- even worse. The next years i was wearing XXL clothes. I was never that tiny again!
I am really pissed off right now.